My Lord,
I was thinking about your goodness as I was listening to a segment of Focus on the Family. It was about being happy in your marriage. Those words are forever embedded in my head because that was the very reason that my marriage ended.
Without you God, I would still be under the belief that I failed as a wife. So not true as I am not responsible for someone else's happiness. None of us are. Happiness is a temporary "feeling" based on one's circumstances. Knowing that I know now, I''ll take joy over happiness any day!!!!
And with that being said, I was asking myself if I am in fact ready for a relationship. I say, "No." But you my Lord, you know the deepest parts of me and what I truly desire and when I'm ready to have those [desires] fulfilled.
I was thinking about your love for me and the things that you've gifted me with because of what I desired. The two main things that I deeply and passtionately desired was to be loved unconditionally and to live on the water.
I never saw my life being where it is today and I never knew the word grace until I opened up my heart and allowed myself to receive it from you!
I remember in the past being envious of "people" who lived on the water or near the water. It was always my desire to be "that" person. I used to wish that I had the house facing the lake in Waldorf, Md. I used to wish that I could live in Lake Arbor, in Largo, Md., facing the water. And I was envious years ago when Debbie retired and moved to North Carolina to live on St John's Island.
Little did I know that you were preparing me to live in North Beach. You searched my heart and gave me a dream that I never imagined possible but held inside my heart just hoping and hoping...
And to go on to say that I envied many, many couples would be an understatement. I wanted that "happily ever after." Not like Cinderella but in my own life.
I wanted to be the one to say, "We've been together for over 30-40 years." I wanted to be blissfully in love and have that one true love for a lifetime. I wanted to be old and gray while sitting in the company of one another with years of love and history behind us. I used to envy the couples that traveled together, regularly communicated their deepest feelings, cried together and spent "quality" time together in spite of what was going on around them. I was envious of the woman who's man catered to her every need and proudly and responsibly took on the role as the man of the house.
I had no idea that YOU were supposed to be my all in all and that because of my brokenness my hopes in man were false and unattainable. I had no idea at the time that I had placed expectations on my dad(s), my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriends that were never going to be met.
Now, today-by your amazing grace and your amazing love for me; I do not envy anyone. I do not long for that "thing" that's not for me. I don't long for that home on the water....I'll take it for sure, but I don't long for it. As much as I love living where I currently live, I know that it's not my final resting place and I do anticipate having to move one day. #BUT ultimately, my address is in the Kingdom of Heaven with You!
I no longer envy those who are married and I don't envy the woman who has a godly man. I admire them and I pray for them, but I don't want something that you have not specifically gifted for me. I don't want to grab hold of something or attach my flesh to something believing it's for me only to discover that it was not your will. I don't want a mate because I'm getting older and I would like someone by my side. I don't want a mate because it's almost winter and those months are the coldest. I don't want a mate because I've been growing in my faith and I "think" that I've got this "Ephesians 5" thing down to a science. And I don't want a mate because I miss holding hands with that special someone.
I only want a mate if it is your will for me to have one.
And to get back to that word: ENVY...the only thing that I do envy is the woman who has such an intimate and passionate relationship with you that nothing can shake it. Her entire day is wrapped in submissive obedience to you. You are in complete control of her life and all that occurs is a result of your will and not her own. I want to be so deep in my faith that if something were to shake my world, my life or someone close to me that I will still trust you, pray to you and draw near to you. I want to be so close to you that in the midst of chaos, tragedy, and even death, my heart will still call you Lord and I will still move forward with shining your light, spreading your good news, sharing the gospel with anyone who will listen and bringing nothing but GLORY to your holy name.
Yes, I want that!
Lord, I love you and I wholeheartedly trust you with my heart.
Eternally yours
