You know that last Wednesday Pastor Wagner asked me to tell my story about You and why my heart overflows with thanksgiving. I was super excited because I LOVE to talk about you. Then I was nervous...Yes, I still get nervous about public speaking...and lastly, I was a bit stressed-how could I possibly condense all that you've done for me and how could I clean it up for the kids that would be attending?
You always find a way God. You are always with me and You are on my side!
So here is what I read in Church last night...for you Lord:
Dear God,
When I was 2 my parents divorced and my birth father LEFT ME. Mom remarried and when I was 13 she divorced again. My stepdad took my 3 baby sisters with him. He LEFT ME and it tore me into. I literally stopped talking. My big sister had given me a diary and writing became my best friend. Having no knowledge of who YOU were, I unconsciously began my search for love in all the wrong places…
At 17 my mom allowed me to move in with my best friend. I'd always wanted to be a Marine, but because I never got [the talk,] I got pregnant instead. Too embarrassed to finish High School, I dropped out.
He was my first boyfriend. He said he loved me and that was the first time that I'd ever heard those words from the opposite sex so I believed him. For four years he loved me and he beat me. I didn't know he wasn't supposed to.
At 19 I was being sexually harassed by my boss. And because I didn't have the courage to stand up to him, that happened for two long years.
At 22, I was pregnant and living with my new boyfriend. He proposed and I said, "No." In my mind, marriage didn't work for my parents so it surely wasn't going to work for me.
I became a workaholic. I had no social life and TV was my only escape. Since my youth, I was always drawn to cop shows and so at the age of 26 I quit being a secretary and became a police officer.
(Pause: I was a timid, insecure little girl in a grown up body wearing a badge and a gun. [Only YOU Jesus] Here I am swearing an oath to serve & protect while quietly dying on the inside for someone to protect me.)
Six months later, I met my first love. He was in the middle of a divorce. We lived together for 6 years. He never asked me to marry him. After he repeatedly broke my heart, I eventually moved out.
A few months later, I was 33 and in love again (seriously, this one was the one). We were both on the rebound. He was a Muslim and because I didn't have a god of my own, I believed in his god for ten quiet years. Whenever I felt like praying, I covered my head, washed my hands and feet, faced toward the east. NOT to YOU but a FALSE god and never praying for myself only for my children and others.
I honestly thought I had a good life. I totally "WORSHIPPED" my husband, my kids were healthy and, I had a great career. I had money in the bank and a brand new house. BUT no one knew that there was a strange yearning on the inside; an EMPTINESS that I couldn't quite explain.
At 41, I was 28 days away from celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary when my husband shocked me. He announced that he was no longer happy and that he was LEAVING ME! I was broken, alone and ashamed. I was so disappointed in myself for trusting him. "Why did YOU allow him to come into my life?" Not knowing that the answer would come two years later...
In 2008, a friend told me about WAVA. I became instantly addicted. Those preachers made a lot of sense. They were speaking to me about me. On May 4, 2008, I was alone in my family room and YOU used Dr. Stanley to witness to me. I accepted Christ into my heart. Not soon after, I rented the "Passion of the Christ." I'd seen it before a few years back, but I did not believe that it was true. But this time, I watched it with my new heart, with my new beliefs and without the scales covering my eyes.
That night, I cried deeply from the depths of my soul, I’m almost certain that my neighbors heard me. Finally coming to the realization of what YOU had done for me; taking on all of my sins from the life that I'd lived before. I was so overwhelmed with grief. My past flashed before me and I began to name my sins out loud asking YOU for repentance and forgiveness. Lord, you saw me do that...you heard me when I said that, and still YOU died for me?
The next morning I woke up feeling so free: I didn't have to be the queen of people pleasing, I didn't have to consume myself with worry about who will care for my kids if something were to happen to me, I didn't have to hoard my money just in case...fearing I'd have no one to count on. I didn’t have to be the perfect daughter, the best sister or the employee of the year.
And then I had this huge Revelation: I'd walked the streets of Washington, DC for over 18 years in full uniform without incident and YOU WERE THERE! YOU were protecting me and I didn't even ask YOU to. Jeremiah 29:11 spoke to my Spirit and I heard YOU say, "Because I have plans for you Denise." NOT had, but have!
JESUS YOU love me for me. You’ve always known me and all of my secrets, my fears and my leftover insecurities. Your very hands created me. And in my many years of darkness, YOU never took your love from me. It was always there...yes, I still cry...
Knowing a love like that leaves me longing to be with YOU. I truly get it when The Apostle Paul said that he was torn between going home to be with YOU or staying here to finish the work YOU had assigned for him. My heart's desire is to share YOUR word and to tell others what YOU did for me. I am not ashamed that I was once the woman at the well. (John 4)
Those sins were forgiven. YOU cleansed me and YOU redeemed me. YOUR blood covered all of who I used to be and I'm clothed in YOUR righteousness. I AM YOUR Princess Bride!
YOU are why my smile is so wide and why my laughter is so infectious. My love for YOU is deeper than any ocean. My Lord, YOU have kept every promise you’ve ever made to me.
Although I am still shy and slightly insecure, You have placed your spirit in me and for that I am THANKFUL. My children and my gran-girls have their names in Your Lamb's book of life. Yes, I am THANKFUL. My church family has embraced me with so love much and affection and I am THANKFUL. Members of my church family are faithfully praying for my dad’s salvation, I am THANKFUL. My Church has an abundance of Prayer Warriors. I am SO THANKFUL. My church leaders are sowing wisdom and knowledge into my faith walk and I am THANKFUL. Our music ministry nourishes my soul every Sunday before I go out into the mission field and I am THANKFUL.
In all of my failed relationships, I never wanted gifts. It may sound strange but all I ever wanted was for someone to write me a love letter. How ironic that the You, the Lover of My Soul did one better...
YOU WROTE ME A LOVE STORY!
YOU are My King and YOU have promised to never LEAVE ME!
That is why My Heart Overflows With Thanksgiving!
Eternally yours
